Using this to push down the previous entry because it kept flashing my old avatar and it's annoying.

Ta's been almost 6 years since I've joined dA, 7 since I've discovered it. Hoo.

I realise that unlike many of the artsy people I know who criticise dA for being a shallow, somewhat horrid place for "art", I've stuck to my guns and continued to lurk here. Perhaps it has something to do with personal beliefs about what art is, and what art constitutes. Did I just repeat myself?

Over the years I have developed much in ways of thinking. But with regards to the things I really want to do: I realise that I haven't really pursued or tried hard enough. Drawing: I haven't really drawn. Writing: I keep putting it off. Composing: I never think I'm good enough to write stuff down. Where did this mentality come from?

Perhaps that was why my A level piece was such a disaster when my teacher said I should just go headlong into it. I just trusted my gut, didn't ask for help, and in the end it almost ended in a catastrophe. Of course, in conceptual art everything can be metaphorically justified, just that I never really did make the metaphor clear in the first place (to the examiners), which worries me.

But what is stopping me? Is it because I search too much for perfection in the first time I do things? Is it because I don't allow myself concessions? Gosh, this sounds really selfish, imma stop typing now, not that anyone is going to care.

Looking at my photos then and now... nothing has changed, really. It's starting to upset me, as if nothing I do really is enough.

I'll be going into the military in about a week and a half's time. Perhaps it would be a good time to learn discipline and learn how not to give up, how to pursue something endlessly and just take things in your stride. I'm excited and afraid all at once.

Crossing fingers.